Halloweenie! I love Halloween!

I got nothin today.  I so freakin tired I can hardly keep my eyes open and I'm sooooo hungry, not to mention I'm cold!!

Leave me alone :( and let me sleep.

Normally I would do something really cool on Halloween but not this year... this year... I'm hibernating!

Please enjoy this disturbing trick or treat song :)

detox... duh!

feelin the detox now... but it's more from the change of food than anything else I think. It doesn't happen until I start drinking the shakes. 

Last night I was so cold and so hungry.  I got the hunger handled by filling full of liquids but then, I was cold.  Which is very unusual for me!!

I was looking forward to Halloween but now I'm really not.  I guess I will roast my pumpkin seeds and save them.  I should have carved the pumpkins last week.

I noticed that it's super duper easy to make me cry today and I'm very tired.  I didn't sleep well last night.  I was up quite a few times going to the bathroom.

And.. yes... I'm freakin hungry... hungry enough I want to cheat!!! But I won't damnit~!

And I think I have a new favorite breed of horse!

Knabstrupper

 

Monday Monday! can't stop the day!

a day filled with the highest of ups and the lowest of lows.

worried about my girl who took her first real hard fall tonight. knocked the wind out of her!

And worried about me as I haven't been able to get very far from the potty the last few hrs and, I'm freezing!

oh boy, what a ride this is gonna be!!!

And of course the Mama and Papas

Stresssssss!!

Spent the day trying to "hussle a buck" as my boyfriend says... it didn't go so well. I have to have $888.36 tomorrow at 9:30a. As of right now, I have about $350. I get paid on Tuesday... and I'm hoping the clinic will go ahead...

Nothing worth doing is ever easy is it?

9:08p $455.00
Half way there!!!

Saturday!!!

Stress!! Thats what today is about!

Dont Fall Asleep!!

I'm listening to our Chancellor talk, trying to motivate 300+ employees and failing miserably! She is using term like "flow stoppers." I understand and also don't understand. This is what has always separated me from others. Her flow stoppers are my motivators. Where did this talent in me come from? Did my parents do this by embedding some kind of special talent? or, is it something that is just inside someone.

Fear is a huge motivator for me.  If I am afraid... by God, I'm going to do everything in my power to conquer it.According to her chart, I'm a winner lol! You would not believe how lucky I actually am. I have put myself in situations that a "normal" person would never be able to deal with.

So, I'm guessing that because these things come naturally to me, THAT is the reason I find sitting thru these "motivational speeches" absolutely miserable!

I have a hard time blocking everything in these situations! All around me people are getting motivated, but sadness, so much sadness around me and I feel that more than anything. I always used to wonder why when I was at these things, why I always wanted to cry. Now I understand, it's the people around me... so filled with sadness. If I consciously think to block, I can do it. If I'm floating, not grounded, I can't, so, I'm going to work on ground and see if I can block the overwhelming sadness.

A little bit, I can block but not all of it.  These "community" things make me miserable!!!

Then, the day took a turn...

Then real reason for the day... healing.  My friend... who is lost... just plodding thru life, needed me.  After we have a nice lunch and I am able to lead her in the direction I think she was seeking from me... she says to me, "Why have we never talked about this before?" And, I told her, we had touched on it... but she wasn't ready.  The time for her to get ready is now because we're gonna loose her to the darkness if she doesn't start healing.  Now is the time my friend.

And then, my other friend... called with wonderful inspired news.  Can't wait to work with her and see where it takes us...

And... a fabulous adult party tonight that I can't wait for. 

All in all, another good day!!!

Silver Wings!

I woke up this morning... feeling like I had forgotten something.  I'm still feeling that way.

The little rescue horse Lucky, got gelded on Tuesday... and his owner, said he's doin good.  She actually got some time "with" him. He focused on her.  I love that.  I wish wish wish I were closer to him!!  I'm hoping to make a little weekend trip to meet him, maybe February!  If I recall correctly there's a hot springs up in that area... hmmmm :)

So, today is the day you need to know where the ring came from... thus the silver wings!

From left to right: Bob, Richard, lady(can't remember her name) and Joe

In 2006, I met a guy on the Internet.  His name... Richard Cote.  He lived in Rhode Island.  What a character this guy was!!!  We would spend HOURS chatting on the Internet.  Emailing, chatting... phone calls.  Our connection was not romantic... it was friendship.  We spoke the same language.  We understood each other.  Richard knew, without a doubt that I felt his every emotion.  Even though he was a pain in the ass, he was so kind and special (but he would never really let anyone know that).  He didn't have many friends... Richard, was a veteran.  Go figure huh?  And, as most of our veterans are... he was tortured inside by what he had seen and by what he had done.  He had 2 friends, Bob and Joe.  Richard had already decided that Bob was hopeless and Richard knew that Joe and I needed to meet. So, he put me in touch with Joe.  Joe and I began to correspond... more and more every day... until, it was time... it was time to meet Joe and Richard.  So, I made a trip to Rhode Island. As an interesting side note, one of my graduate students that I worked with at Texas A&M was from Providence, RI and was now back to living there so, I had 3 friends in Rhode Island that I needed to see.

Richard's Headstone at the Veterans Cemetery

And off I went....Long story short... Joe and I fell in love and even though Joe would have loved to move to Texas... it wasn't possible.  His elderly parents, disabled brother and his business would not allow it, so I made plans to move to RI and Joe and I would marry.  Well, I got permission from the court to move Del to RI and I got a job at ABC in Providence as a producer but, when it came down to it....I couldn't do it.  I loved Joe and I loved RI but... I couldn't go.  I couldn't leave my family and my state.  I was always the one making the supreme sacrifice and this time, I wasn't willing to make it.  My child and me, where more important.  Joe, is still very much in love with me and there will always be a place in my heart for him.  A few years later, Richard had a heart attack and died on me.  We used to joke about what would happen when he died.  I miss him everyday.  The ring that John asked me to pass on, was a ring that Joe gave me.  I believe it is the purest love I've ever received and John recognized that.

Joe and I still correspond but I try to keep it short and sweet.  I've moved on with life and I'm happy.  He is still stuck.... and I don't want to be stuck. 

AND THE FEELING THAT I'VE FORGOTTEN SOMETHING IS G-O-N-E!!!  AMAZING!!!

And today's song is my most favorite song of all time!  Silver wings!  Never ride faster than your angel can fly!

Enjoy your neighbor

I don't ever get into talking politics with people.  For one, I don't like politics.  For two, I never ever think like anyone else does so, I just keep my mouth shut, unless I am asked a direct question.  This morning, I fried my keyboard with a jug of coffee so, I had to get out from in front of the computer and socialize a bit.

A co-worker directly asked me who I was going to vote for.  First of all, that's just a downright rude question to ask.  I already knew who she was voting for.  She's a good conservative christian Texas voter... duh, doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out.  I didn't answer and she asked again.  I'm sorry, but that's my business, not yours... and I didn't answer again.  And then the conversation went out of control!!

EHHHH!!!  I don't do politics!  It's not that I don't care... it's that in my heart... I'm a journalist and my opinion is mine.  You can't have it!

However, after some time we moved on and thankfully, the two intelligent ladies I was speaking with, were able to move on.  I kind of enjoyed it despite dreading it.

Feeling much better and refreshed today...

On to the horses.... the change in Moon is amazing!!!  Since she finally let me in last weekend, not only has she made huge changes... even physically but Del has too!  What a joy!!

She had a large area of pain on her back.  I massaged it every few days... and her hind end where I believed it was really stemming from and now... with the additional exercise and the healing... the area... is virtually gone.  She is still cinchy or girthy but what a huge improvement.  I think the cinchy and girthy is just a habit and she's not going to stop that even though it doesn't hurt.  Amazing healing!  I love it!!

Exhaustion

Yesterday really wore me out.  I was stressed from the moment I got out of bed until the moment I went back to bed at 11pm. Money... it's the biggest stress in my life.  Everything else I can deal with... but I stress over money.  There is never enough of it and I work from sun up to sun down and beyond on most days, except the days I take to, you know, live and go to the barn, and spend time with my kid.

My body is so tired.  Everything hurts.

Funny how, I'm missing my new kindred spirit even though it's not like we've spent alot of time together.  However, you were a gift for me... and I can't wait to see you again next year.  Hopefully, next year, I can take a week off and enjoy time some time at the ranch.  I know your homeland misses you.  I worry about Shari being out there all by herself.  I wish I were closer so that I could go check on her and help out.

Lucky is on my mind today... and his stablemate

I can't explain it... sometimes they just speak to you.  This one spoke loud and clear...

I still haven't put my finger on it... but I can tell you... if I had been anywhere near this horse.  He would have been mine, that very day.  But, as fate would have it... he went to my new friend... And thank God he did.

Just look at him now...

WHAT A HANDSOME MAN!! I am so in love with him.

I'm not sure how I'm gonna swing it yet... gotta get the surgery first... but at the VERY LEAST I will meet him before he goes to his new home after some rehabilitation time and a little snip snip.

The BF had court today.  Not exactly the outcome I had hoped for.  I was hoping it would just be over.  It's not exactly over... but it's the beginning of the end, so that is good. I think he's been waiting for this to be over... so he could pop the question.  I'm good though, I'll wait.   Fate will be what it will be... married or not.  I couldn't be happier with him and if we never marry, that's ok too.

My body feels tired today.  It's tired of carrying 300 lbs around.  Can you blame it?  I'm hoping that by Christmas Day... I will feel well enough to ride.  O how I can't wait for that day!

I am almost to the point with my co-worker that I am no longer going to be able to bite my tongue.  I've worked with her for 3 years.  I know her pretty well, or I did when she was still talking to me.  Quite frankly, she's a dumbass.  No really, all the lights are not on upstairs... and it really makes me nuts.  But, on top of that... she has the holier than thou thing going on.  Every morning when I get in, she has christian music playing.  Now, I don't begrudge Christians... because I am one.  But this lady... OMGosh... she is... a peice of work.   I believe in God... and I also believe I'll keep my beliefs to myself.   Do you believe she had the balls to tell someone that I was not ready to have surgery because I haven't learned how to eat?  I can't tell you how my heart sank when I heard that, it really hurt my feelings.  But what the truth is... is she doesn't think I deserve it because I'm not as Christian as she is.  Can you believe that shit?  How Christian is she now?  Now, here's the kicker... she has a lapband... and her breakfast consists of a candybar and a dr pepper.  Mine is an apple and a yogurt and some cheese.  I'm sorry?  Who doesn't know how to eat.  I just spent the last 6 months learning how to eat post surgery you stupid bitch... I'm pretty sure (sarcastic here) that I know how to eat...The longer I'm around her, the more pissed off I get.  She sits just outside my office.  I block her but somedays... when she's particularly christian... I can't. 

And... today's song of the day is Paramore-Decode.  Even though this song was apparently written for a man... it sometimes seems like I should be singing this to me about me.

Sunday!

I adore Sundays!  Except when they are filled with work... much like this one was.  However, work is good and keeps me from getting into too much trouble.

Halloween "Fingers"

Halloween "Eyeballs"

Had such a lovely night last night with my beloved.  It's so nice to go out and be an adult sometimes.  While our "friendships" are forged thru a common lifestyle where people come and go, I have managed to make a few friends that I would have in my vanilla life but, I haven't quite gotten there yet with them.  I hope I will someday. 

It was a fun Halloween Party.  Our host and hostess are very interesting people.  I particularly enjoy her.  She is full of  "issues" but is a genuine person and I love that about her.  I enjoyed just eating whatever I wanted knowing that I will never be able to do that again.  There is a lot of relief in that.  Relief in knowing... that I will never ever ever be fat again.  Relief from the constant pain that my body is in.  My body is so tired of carrying all this weight.  And I am tired of hurting... all the time.  Sneezes are a killer!
As I wind down into surgery time.  I am turning the focus onto myself a little more and listening to myself rather than others so much.

I really really enjoy being at the barn without so many people there.  Del loves the social part of it but for me, I'd rather have the solitude, just the horses and us.  It's easier for me to focus.  

Del and Moon going English today!

I've incorporated the dry bath and centering and grounding (more grounding) into my session.  I'm finding it much much easier to ground lately.  And two days in a row, Moon let me in!  That is quite awesome considering I've been trying for MONTHS!  Her back hurts near where the back of the saddle lands, it's making her cinch sour, etc.  It's not so bad when I put the bareback pad on but in a saddle... it hurts her.  She has such a heart of gold that she just swishes the tail when Del lands on her back in the places it hurts... never bucking... even though I KNOW she wants to.  She is really really enjoying Del stepping up to the canter.  I'm going to have to get a chiropractor out to work on her as I don't know how to do that adjustment that she needs... but I bet... once or maybe twice with the adjustments and she won't be girthy anymore. Del actually cried on the way home from the barn the other night with just the thought that someday Moon won't be available for us to ride anymore.  Ah, yes, I remember those days :)

I don't have a Sunday song for today...

Saturday-who doesn't love Saturday?

moon finally let me in today, peace and love!!!

big bill misses his people, the big black draft...

the big gray is angry... need more time to find out why

bitch with bad energy left the barn! YAY!

breakthru to the canter, mom cried!!!

I'm posting this on Sunday but, I did write it on Saturday. I had to get the blogger ap!

Day 4 or 5 is a blank

I am blown away but how all things intermingle. The rings... finding a mans wedding ring?  How does that happen?  It only happens because it's supposed to.

I will never question myself again!!

Today is just another day... Yes, there are so many stories I want to share but, I'm not feeling it today.   I feel quiet and peaceful, even in the midst of chaos. 


And... the song of the day...

Day Four-Rebirth

The old me... would be reaching for some food at this point.

New me knows... I'm an emotional eater... so, whatcha gonna do when the emotions are taking over?  Well, your gonna dry bathe... and ground.

It started this morning with a speeding ticket.  I was totally and completely NOT paying attention.  Had my breakfast and my coffee and I was driving to work.  I can't tell ya where I was... but I wasn't on THIS planet!!  He said I was going 14 over... I think.  I didn't really listen to him and... I haven't looked at the ticket.  I'll deal with that another time.

I worked for the next 40 minutes trying to get over that...

Then I get to work... 1/2 hr late.  Thank you very much.

TWO DREAMS IN JUST A MATTER OF DAYS!!!!  That is absolutely unheard of for me.  I'm really not sure I want the remembrance of my dreams back.  O Ok damnit, yes I do! Last nights dream I remembered immediately when I awoke was about babies... kittens to be exact.  There were kittens in several different boxes... giving birth.  I watched them.  There were 3 different sets of babies.  I remember one itty bitty itty bitty runt.  It was white and beige.  Birthing dreams are good especially kittens :)  They represent playful life stuff... at least that's what I remember.

Then at work... I received a call from SPCA.  The more she talked the more mad I got... she was making excuses for the owner of a starving horse.  I know... I've done rescue long enough to know... what the fuck is going on you stupid bitch.  Ok, that's what I wanted to say but of course kept my mouth shut and listened.  The horse died last night.  Duh, ya fuckin think?  Ok, two crackers...
There are no words in the English language that can relate the anger that I feel in my heart when horses are mistreated and starved.  No words.  And I know SPCA is just doing their job and they have to justify it somehow in their own minds... so I get it.

I found this horse thru a mutual friend on the Reikki board.  She said the horse was numb when he passed and was thankful someone cared in the end.  And, my finish is... just too fucking bad you were too late huh?  I'm sorry big guy!  I tried... and I also have to go thru the motions.  I knew when I saw the picture it was just a matter of days.

OMG duh... no wonder I'm hungry... It's lunchtime.  Where did the morning go?

Then... the email from Zeb.  I knew he presented as a butterfly.  He swooped us once when we were looking at pictures and for a moment your heart glowed... and someone made reference to it... they said "everything means something."  It was a lightbulb moment for her... and she may not even know it yet (but she reads this... so maybe she'll get it).  SIDEBAR:  My Grandfather presents as a butterfly too.

It was him that made the charms on my necklace drop.  When I tried to fix it, the links were completely closed and I fumbled and fumbled and there was too much.  I couldn't concentrate and I had just opened myself up because I had mentioned Shabari.  Wanting others to know of my lifestyle but still scared of judgement.

I left the ring that was on my necklace on the bench???  No way! That is my slave ring.  It's a Tiffany ring that my bf gave to me.  It means something to him that I wear it and I DO NOT loose it or misplace it because it is important to him.  Notice I said it means something to HIM.  The intents of that piece of jewelry are not pure.  Jon put it back.  But, at that point I knew there was something important he wanted from me.  Mind you, this is BEFORE you shared anything about him with me.  

The drive home... he spoke to me... and I actually for the first time ever, spoke outloud.  I confirmed his request... and then Monday... I have never felt more intentions on making sure I got something done... then at that time.  Monday was not going to pass without me getting that ring in the mail. 

Then, the picture.  Clear as a bell.  No question. I will never ever, ever question my feelings.  All these years... I have questioned and blocked, not doing so many things for fear.  I didn't know the rings were for...I just knew they needed to be in your hands... because he told me to give them to you. Even a year ago, I probably wouldn't have done it for fear that you would think I was nuts :)  Guess what?  I am definitely not nuts!  Of that, I am sure.  Today is not the day to know where they came from.  That's another day.

So, I'm emotionally zapped for today.  I will probably unconsciously block everything else today.  I'm very good at that.

The good news is... the kids have traveled on and can hopefully be at peace now.  That makes me heart relieved and happy.  The kittens represent rebirths... THAT is good.  Along with the horse passing, my friends mother who is in process... life is reprocessing... life is cleansing... and THIS is what it is about.

And today for music...OMGosh I love this song... She has the voice of an angel!!

Day Three-Emotions... Duh!

I felt compelled to change the profile picture as the first pic wasn't really doing it for me.  Just needed something to start with.  So...The Rumple Mintze Lady YAY!  She's always spoken to me :)  A fierce warrior chick.  I've always felt like that... even in the moments of peace.  My friend Jen and I used to call it "riding the bear!"  That was getting a good drunk on.  O the stories... :)  We'll save those for another post!

7:53 am I'm in the car... on the way to work.  Brain switches on to Marilyn (now known as Serenity) thank you.  Who knows why?  I burst into tears.  Now I just go with it... and let it come.  Man, in my younger days I fought that shit.... closed, locked, tight... I can't close it anymore... at least not as well as I could.  Poor tortured soul... much like that of Marilyn Monroe huh?  I thought about calling Shari at that point but knew she was probably out feeding.  Why was she given the name Marilyn?  I don't think she likes it but... look at the similarities... she gave everything only to be scorn.  I don't know that much about Marilyn Monroe but obviously she was a tortured soul.  I get settled in and email Zeb and Shari.  Were they already working with her this morning?  Why right then did I have that feeling?  I've learned not to question it too much... and just try to move on.  But a good 10 minute cry for Serenity and my brain moves me on to something else... thank you. 

My media training will not let me write something without a picture...

And so... cut to yesterday...

It was rainy... Moon was "feelin her oats" as they say.  She must have been raised with Arabians.  She gets that tail all hitched up and that head up... acting like a 3 year old :)  I happen to love it but do I want to put my kid on it?  No, not really.  So, I bring her into the covered round pen.  She is feelin sassy!  I let her run about.  Do a free lunge, just to let her get it out of her system.  Do my dry bathe, prayer of intention... and she's having none of it, which is normal but... look at how gentle she is with Del!!!  Fine, lets move on.  She is rubbing all over me, driving me crazy... trying to tell me either she wants to go back to the pasture or... she has an itch!  I'm pretty sure, it's a combo of both. Obviously, in her past, someone has given into this.  Not me, no ma'am.  Just look at the intensity in her in the other picture.  Can you say horse ADD?  LOL!!  But, this is a good lesson for both of my girls... so I put Del on her and they just walk around the round pen for a good 20 minutes.  She eventually chills out.

What does that have to do with today?  Absolutely nothing... Wishing I had one like Serenity to work with.  A real project... I'm almost ready.  Gotta get my body healthy first.

Somewhere between functioning and trained... I've trained myself, which has worked til now... now... I need some help.  Is this why my ears itch on the inside?

Thankfully, my boyfriend doesn't have too many emotions besides, love, fear and stress.  I try not to take on his shit too much but often I do.  His love overwhelms me sometimes... he doesn't understand any of this and probably never will.  He knows how compassionate I am and says it's one of the reasons he loves me but they (being the whole family) will often ridicule me for crying.  He realizes now... that I can not help it, but didn't at first.  I can not help it.  Believe me, I wish I could.  Most often, it's animals... probably because I haven't spent my whole life learning to block them.

And today's music is... a song I feel with every fiber of my being... And... I used to love to play it.  The music hasn't returned to me yet.  I hope one day it will and my guitar will come back into my hands... as will my paintbrush.


I long for a drive today... thru the mountains... a scenic bliss of peaceful.  

Day Dos-All over the place

I awoke actually remembering a dream, which is a rarity.  All I remember is an old boyfriend, Virgil and an old cat, Bill.  I loved Bill with all my heart.  And, I loved the boyfriend too but not like the cat :)

Virgil, was just a blip in my "veteran" saga.  Vietnam Veterans have always been drawn to me.  I'm not sure why... or actually, these days, I'm more and more sure why.  I should say, I used to be not be sure why.  I've had many many experiences with veterans, experiencing their pain and fear as if I were the tunnel rat or the helicopter gunner.  I can tell you, Vietnam, for alot of our American soldiers, was... pure evil and hell.  Veterans, of many wars, have always sought me out.... just the way it is.  I've rolled with it and enjoyed the history lesson. Virgil, got in trouble in the early 70's and was recruited to do a rescue mission to gather some POW's.  Him and his friend set out on a boat to do recon mission of recovery and his friend was killed by a sniper while they were on the boat together heading into the mission.  Virgil's guilt was inconsolable from that experience.  I had him call the parents of the slain young man, but nothing could console Virg.  As a result, he was an alcoholic (most veterans suffer some kind of addiction).  Virgil was 22 years my senior when I dated him in my early 20's.  He was fun and oh so yummy. I often wonder if he is still around.  Last I heard he was arrested in Hayden, Colorado in February 2001 for third degree assault.  And in 2006 was living in Westerville, OH.

Bill, the cat, Billson, as I called him.  He was my first orange kitty.  I had a full name for him at one time, but I can't remember what it was, because he just became Billson.  He went thru the hardest time of my life with me and had to be put down shortly after arriving in Texas because he didn't have any teeth left.  It was the right thing to do.  I always felt terribly guilty for feeding him ice cream, is that what caused his teeth to rot out?  We would eat it together.  He LOVED ice cream so why not let him have it? Right?  Can't find a handy picture of ole Bill.  I sure did love him... I'm sure it was mutual.

I burst into tears this morning, first thing I saw was the picture of Zeb and I hugging after getting my certificate.  Why the emotion?  I guess because it's important to me.

Then, the picture of the horse came in... and instant drain.  I'm really not sure he's still alive.... and I may be being called out there... to help him pass.  He's definitely a 1 on the scale in this picture... and as soon as I get myself together, I'll head out.  All ready to fight the good fight if I really find a horse that looks like this...







On my mind today is the song by Stone Temple Pilots, Plush


Maybe more after my little excursion to check on the horse...

Day One of 21 Day DeTox after Attunement

Hmmm... I wonder, is this the up before the down?  Will there be a down?  Hell, who cares... cause today is awesome. Love, light and peace fill my heart...

10-17-12 Added the picture so that I know what picture I started with!