I spent the rest of the weekend taking care of those around me despite being sick myself. I was able to, even in my sick state, set myself aside, and put others in front of me. I am proud that I am able to do that.
Clear signs of her flight were presented to me early on Saturday. I am so thankful for that as I couldn't get a clear sign thru any energies that she had gone. I guess the heavens knew I would need a visual of something... why else would they show me wings?So... the wings were presented to me on a trip up to College Station to care for my Mom who had knee surgery on Tuesday.
There was also a clear presentation as to WHY I was there... while I was there.
My Mom, God love her, is so distracted by little things that she has a hard time seeing the big picture. Why are the blinds messed up? Is there something on that shelf? Someone tapped on my toe. These things all seem very small to me. When I asked her about them... she said, I live with your Dad, what do you expect? My Dad is driven by the little things... and everything must be in it's place and not moved and if it is moved... how and why did it get moved. Our parents are supposed to be insights into ourselves... no? I am so far removed from little things... if something is moved... who cares? It got moved.
Mom is a mystery to me. I don't understand her. And, as she ages and I loose the part of her I do understand... its scary. She will have Alzheimers. Of that I am sure. She fights a good fight to keep her wits but, they are failing. I'm glad to be near to her as she ages. I'm certainly feeling that I don't have much time left with either of my parents and if my Dad goes first... my Mom will go shortly after. If Mom goes first, Dad will last a little longer but will become unmanageable and probably do some crazy stuff. Mom doesn't handle life very well and I suspect she suffers from serious anxiety that has gone untreated for years and years. As long as she is home, and life is normal she is ok but anything outside of that... is very traumatic for her. I thrive off everything outside the normal... maybe that's why.
And yet, eyes wide open... I picked a man... who is just like a combo of my Mom and Dad. O yes I did. Mr Control everything, nothing out of place, anally clean... man. I sure did. I've never been enough for Mom and Dad and I sure didn't live up to the standards of the man. I am way too strong a personality for both Mom and Dad and... the man. I freely admit that I picked the man, because I thought I would get a break... someone else make the decisions for a little bit, someone else have the control for a little bit, someone take care of me for a little bit... but the truth is... no one cares for us, better than us. I thought I could trust him to take care of me... and do whats right for me... but what happened is... he did what was right for him and as the submissive, I'm supposed to just go along and be happy. But, when I started to ask for my happiness, that's when I realized... I was getting screwed. When I did something for my happiness, it was a betrayal. The truth is... the only one betrayed was me and I did it to myself. Lesson learned... and time for moving on.
I am who I am... love me this way... or get out of my way.
As the man begins to process what is happening... he clings to any shred of hope. I see that. I get it. I also get that "breaking up" is a very personal thing. Everyone does it different and everyone does it in there own way. Don't push me... and I CAN'T push him. However, some things are going to have to be addressed. As much as I don't want to be the bitch, I'm going to have to be the bitch :( It's time to remove the rings. All 5 of them, he bought for me. I love them all but, they are going to have to go. I've removed the collar, the necklace as the vanilla's see it. Now, I have to shed the rings. I love them dammit but it's time for them to go. They are falling off anyway.
Back to "normal" on Sunday evening... after the kiddo is in bed, I get just a few minutes to myself. Too pooped to even think about another thing... I lay my head down.
Monday morning... brings the insights noted above and the dreading of this evening when the man is going to want to come over. I don't want him to and I don't want to be mean. I have to be mean to get him to understand anything.
Tonight should be fun... not :(
